In case you were wondering, I'm still fat!

Well it's been 37 days since I last posted, and I think I have gone on and OFF my diet 37 times! ;0)

I am 2 days strong now, but with my track record who knows how long this will last.

I can still meet my 30th birthday goal if I walk the straight and narrow, but it is CRUNCH TIME...minus the "Nestle"!

Believe it or not, my solo pair of jeans have not failed me! I can still button them (but barely), and surprisingly the kids have not sabotaged them with stains! I did have a weak moment and went to Target to at least buy 1 new pair of pants, and a couple of shirts, but I COULD NOT DO IT! I refuse to buy new clothes at this size.

I can do this! (...I pray)

Take Me Out To The Ball Game...

I have always been a take-charge person. For the longest time I even resisted the idea of working as/in a "team". In High School, I HATED group projects becuase it involved me relying on other people, and well, let's face it...I wasn't so off-base when I thought most High School students were unreliable! However, I was TOTALLY off-base when I believed that my ideas were the only good ideas. Group projects in school usually resulted in me totally taking over the assignment, and my lazy peers were happy to let me.

However, joining the workforce, and then marriage, and now parenting, have brought me a LONG way (but not to perfection) from me not being a team player. In fact, I feel I almost never get my way 100% of the time anymore, and truth be told, that's probably a good thing. The Lord, my husband, my family, my friends, and even my kids have some great ideas on how I should live my life, and even their own (lol)!

But, in my heart of hearts, I still think of myself as a bit of a control freak. And yet, I am finding it completely frustrating that the one thing I have 100%, hands-down, complete and total control of, I am perfecting the art of FAILING at! The only person that is in control of my outward appearance is me. I have the sole discretion as to what I put in my mouth, and I (being the driver) am the only person that gets to choose if we drive around the parking lot 5 times to get the closest spot available to the front of the store, or if I will park the van aaaaaall the way in the back of the parking lot, and lug my littles aaaaaall the way across the parking lot to burn a few extra calories.

For being a person that supposedly loves to be in control, and thrives off of success, it totally baffles me that I have let my outward appearance become so dreary.

I have the best of intentions...after I eat a Twix. And I always feel great when I do find myself actually in a healthy pattern. So why the back and forth!?!?

I have a lot of growing to do (in faith, not in my physical body!), and I need to hand this over to the Lord. It is still my responsibility to make healthy choices for my life, but I need to unload my obsession about my failures on to Jesus. I am going to try and NOT control this situation myself, but to reach out to my Heavenly Father when I am weak. The Holy Spirit is on my team, and I need to use His resources!

Now...PLAY BALL! (Where are the peanuts & Cracker Jacks??? LOL)

Simmered down...of the mind, NOT a giant pot of spaghetti.

So after last night's tantrum, I am feeling MUCH better about my NOT going to Claim Jumper...not that we were really going to (it probably would have been more like Wendy's), but that is where my heart was at.

I realized that I keep posting, but that I keep forgetting to report my weight loss. So as of this morning I am down 6.5 lbs since Easter, but since I had gained back more than my starting weight over the weekend, I am really only down 3.5 lbs since the beginning of this blog. Nothing exciting, but it's a start...is it ridiculous to anyone else that I have probably had 20 "starts" since the beginning of this blog? LOL!

MELTdown...of the mind, NOT chocolate.

So, I have been great on the diet all week (4 days), and believe it or not, it has not been too difficult...until tonight!

I completely threw a tantrum in my mind, and I just hate when that happens. The tantrum was not only about the diet/my body, but since this blog is not about the details of my personal life, I will keep my comments tailored to the food temptations. (I have you all intrigued now, don't I!?!? You're not really missing out on anything...just a standard female rant about "life isn't fair" for 2 days during any given month...I'm praying that this is one of those 2 days, or I may really be a brat!)

I just get so tired of these mental battles with regard to dieting! I HATE not being able to eat whatever I want! And yet I HATE looking like THIS! I hate that I knew for like 5 months what it felt like to be "thinner" (3 years ago), and that I am having such a hard time getting back there! I hate that I resent knowing what it felt like to be thinner, becuase I am certain that that is my motivation to get back to that "happy place".

I pray that one day soon I will be in a size 10 (or lower) and look back at this time and think, "It wasn't that bad."

The first week(s) are always the hardest, but once I start to see my body slimming down, it gets easier. I've always said that it's not only fun to be at your goal weight (which actually, I have never achieved, lol) but that it's SO much fun to go down each and every size. I just have to be consistent with this until I make it to the next size down...then I'll be happy that I stuck with it. But as of right now, I just want Claim Jumper!

For tonight, I did not go off of the diet...although I DESPERATELY wanted to! :0)

How did I miss that!?!?

Well, on Sunday night when I was planning my meals for the week, I came across the page in my diet binder where there is a LONG list of "treats" that I can eat...let me clarify: one a day. But I had NO IDEA that I could have 1 treat a day! My approved-treat-of-choice has been a single Reese's Peanut Butter Cup...YUM! However, like I was sharing with a friend (shout out to Deana!), since I have never been a person of moderation, I have a feeling at some point, one treat will not suffice the craving, and by me eating 1 treat, it will lead to many more.

But in the mean time, I will enjoy :0)

Hopefully this will NOT be me at my party! :0)

Well, the weekend was everything that I thought it would be...totally FUN, and a TON of eating! Not only did I enjoy all of the wonderful food, but after 2-1/2 years of not drinking a single alcoholic beverage (due to pregnancy and then breastfeeding), I did a bit (nothing crazy) of drinking as well.

I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning, becuase as of this morning I am 3 pounds in the red! LAME!

Many times I just want to give up on this goal, but:

a. I'm still rocking those solo pair of jeans!

b. I don't want to look/feel like this.

c. I am always reminded of a quote someone posted on Facebook a couple of weeks/months ago, said By Pastor Leo Giovinetti- "It is ALWAYS too soon to give up!"

Soooo, I'm not giving up, but I am quite tired of the "doing great", and then the "not doing great" roller coaster. :0(

I've been good on my diet...well, for the last 36 hours!

My life seems to be exceptionally busy right now, and I am having to prioritize my tasks...unfortunately this blog is LOW on the priority list...sorry my peeps!

Not a huge CHUBBY shocker, but I did not go back on my diet until yesterday. However, I am giving kudos to myself for being good yesterday (baby steps), and all of today...so far! ;0)

However, I must say, the one new chubby treat I was introduced to on Monday, and so THOROUGHLY enjoyed, is Peanut Butter OREOS! Oh My Word! I'm not a big fan of OREOS, but these little babies were AMAZING! It's the standard chocolate cookie, but the filling tastes exactly like the peanut butter filling in a Nutter Butter...SOOOO good! (Shout out to my sister Anna in L.A. for letting me raid her cupboards!)

I stepped on the scale this morning and I am down 2 lbs since the beginning of this blog...which today actually marks the 4 week point. Needless to say, 2 lbs is nothing to get excited about in 1 month, and I really need to get serious if I'm going to make my goal...a loss of 68 more pounds in just 9-1/2 months.

Unfortunately, the future isn't looking too promising. I need to be excellent on my diet the next 2 days, becuase Friday night starts a 3-day-celebration-food-fest. I am going to a fully catered/open bar 40th Birthday Party at the San Diego Yacht Club on Friday night, and then Saturday is my mom's all day "Easter LalaPalooza", followed by Sunday's Easter Brunch. Hopefully I can come out on Monday at least breaking even in my starting weight. WE SHALL SEE!