Chubby Diary: Dear Jennifer Hudson (Weeks 22 & 23)

Dear Jennifer Hudson,

Did you ever lose hope in your weight-loss journey? I know it must seem ridiculous to others who have seen how far I have come this year, to think that I felt hopeless (with regard to weight loss) last week, but it's true. Last weekend I had a jam-packed 2-days filled with events! There would be tempting food at every corner...and literally ZERO room in the schedule for exercise to counter-act said food indulgences. My excitement for the weekend, was equally matched with fear for the damage I could/would do to my weight loss goal.

Even though I had I given myself several pep talks before hand, and even though I had strategized my use of WW points at each event prior to going to them, in typical form, after the first event I abandoned all sound-mind, and dove head first into all things yummy and delicious...and I'm not talking about perfectly ripe fruit...I'm talking, candy, ice cream, and CAKE! I made my worst fears come true. :0(

And when Monday morning arrived, I had gained SO much weight over the weekend. :0(

I had a small streak of fight in me, and I was determined to burn some of this weight off with exercise. Only, because Monday was a holiday...Memorial Day...my gym was closed. I HATED being out of my routine for now 3 days! I packed the kids in the stroller and I decided to go for a run around the neighborhood.

Except, when I started to run, I immediately knew THAT wasn't going to happen. My stomach was in knots from juggling gross food in my belly. A walk would have to do for Monday.

And, in standard procedure, after pumping my body full of junk for a couple of days straight, my mind was craving more, and more garbage. I really wanted to get back on my diet on Monday, but apparently I wanted chocolate chip cookies MORE than I wanted weight loss. I went out and got the stuff to make cookies. Yep...fail!

I woke up on Tuesday, feeling so discouraged. I didn't lose any of the weight from the weekend on Monday...in fact I GAINED more weight from the adventures in cookie (dough) land. My WW meeting is on Tuesday mornings, and since I wouldn't be able to go to the gym as usual at night (because of my son's piano recital) I decided to skip the meeting, and exercise instead. But you must know, that some of the reason I skipped out on the meeting was because I was completely embarrassed to step on that scale and record yet another monumental weight gain like I had done several weeks ago. :0(

I set out to go for a run on Tuesday morning with the kids, but again, it was very evident that my body was telling me that I would NOT be running today! So another walk was had.

It was so frustrating. I was so discouraged. I was still battling the urge to eat healthy, AND I was PMS-ing. 2 of the worst combinations in the history of combinations!

I found myself lying on my stomach in bed (while the kids were in quiet-time) with my face buried in my pillow. I was struggling big time. So many thoughts about self doubt, and failure were running through my mind. How did I go from the high of losing 40 pounds the prior week, to being in "the depths of despair" (a little Anne of Green Gables for you!)!?!? Why do I keep making these same mistakes? Why am I such an all-or-nothing person? When is "moderation" going to click for me?

I saw myself sitting on a stool in the corner of a boxing ring TOTALLY beaten up, waiting for the next round to start.

My coach (God?? Myself???) got in my face and said calmly and sternly, "You just lost 40 pounds...that truly is a great achievement...but is that all you got? Is that all the fight you have left?"

(Long Pause)

I answered back, "No. I want to lose at least 30 more."

Hearing myself say that (in my mind) over and over started to raise the competitor in me. I still have 30 to go...I still have 30 to go...you still have 30 to go...

I got up from the stool in the corner of the ring. My sincere desire to crush my competitor had returned. But the reality of my situation had not changed. I still had tiny seeds of self doubt, and I felt like I was in the boxing ring blindfolded, just throwing punches at the air. I wasn't making contact with my competitor.

In real life now, lol, I reached out to my friend (shout out to Katie!) for encouragement. She gave me everything I needed and more. She reminded me about how far I have come, she reminded me of my strength, she affirmed that I'm not a loser, she texted me motivational images from Pintrest...and she offered and committed to pray for me. It didn't immediately feel like it in the moment, but later I would realize, PUNCH LANDED!

I didn't wait until the next day to start over with my diet. After I got out of bed in the middle of the day on Tuesday I started over then. PUNCH LANDED!

On Wednesday my normal routine would be altered yet again because I was going out with friends that night, and so I would have to miss out on spin class at the gym. I decided to head out for a run with the kids for a 3rd day in a row, and much to my surprise/amazement, I did not feel the need to walk, I RAN! PUNCH LANDED!

When I woke up on Thursday I was filled with hope! My weekend and mid-week-evening commitments were done, and I was free to go back to my normal eating/exercise routine! KNOCK-OUT PUNCH BABY!!!!

From Thursday on, I have been "in the Zone," and it has felt amazing to lose some weight, to be getting clean foods into my body, AND getting the work-out burn I crave so much!

So it's now Tuesday again, and I went to my WW meeting this morning. After being "up" on my home scale, and then working my tail off, I ended up losing all of the weight I had gained, plus I lost an additional pound. It may not sound like a 1 pound loss over a 2 week period is something to celebrate, but man, after the battles I fought (in my mind) these past 2 weeks, standing on that scale at my WW meeting this morning felt like VICTORY! I'm down 41.4 pounds since the beginning of the year. :0)

Just 30 (or so) more to go... ;0)

Before I end my letter, I also wanted to share with you some of the delicious dinners I made over the last 2 weeks!

I made Pan-Seared Scallops with a Citrus Avocado Salad (OUT OF THIS WORLD!!!)...